~before everything else......i was like you~

3:49pm: you know...
I think i'm going to have to retire from this for a while... no one really uses live journal as much anymore, and the things i post just sit here vulnerable to the internet forever. I think that most of the things i write about are just babble and complaints, and so not many people have much to say about it. If the occassion calls for something to be known I will for sure write about it, but I just don't think I am going to try to update as much as before. I'll keep the account to respond to others and stay in touch, but I think I am going to go back to the old fashioned journal where I can keep all my thoughts and feelings enclosed in a book. I miss that.



Until then...

9:47am: Wow.. I'm addicted!
Travis and I went to Santa Anita park yesterday to watch the horse races and wow I had so much fun, it was great! We went for all 10 races and in the end came out well. We still lost about 100 bucks but it was worth it. So much excitment, I am definitely addicted to it now. Haha.. not good, but at least it took up all the day and left me pretty exhuasted in the end. Afterwards we went out for good mexican food came back to apt, watched Risky Business and went to sleep. Ahh good times.

Today going to get a good workout and burn some calories since i've been eating way too much and it's starting to show, and then I think we're gonna see Open Season. I have stupid homework to do too..... blah, but at least I already got half of it down on thurs. I have a Bio test this Thurs, so I think I will be spending most of my week studying for that. It'll be nice to have some alone time when Trav is at work so I can concentrate better.

my mom sent me a 15 dollar gift certificate to starbucks and a 50 dollar one for Old Navy. Can you say spoiled??? I was soooo happy and excited to get that! I think she sent it because of my horrible week last week in finding out how many D's and such I got on my exams when I had studied really hard. She totally didn't have to do that, but it totally brightened me up and made me feel good. Now once I get my body back into shape I can feel inspired to go out and buy some new clothes yesha!

It's the first of October and I want this month to be a good one. I have so many exciting things happening: I'm going HOME!!! for two days, Evanescence concert BABY, boo yah, and HALLOWEEN!!! ooooohhh I cant wait. Soooooooo excited. Well off to start my day and make it a good one!


::smoochies::

9:32am: good luck
so i have a history exam in about an hour and a half and well i dont exactly feel quite prepared. eeek. I dont know how I expect to do well since i spent my weekend not really studying and just relaxing. i am so not motivated in school this semester. it sucks. im thinking though that now since things are more stable and travis has a job i will have more spare alone time to study and get ahead. I hope. I always say that and seem to end up doing something else.
It's only the first exam........ and I do have all my good luck hopes on me. I think everything will be okay. The more nervous I am, the worse off I am going to be. I gotta be confident. I gotta know that I can do this. Ok good.

it's the last week in september. I cant wait for october!!! so many fun things! Once october comes this year is going to fly by! I have so much going on. Going home, evanescence concert, halloween, ninja's bday, haha. it'll be cool. im excited.

all right well going to head out and hope that all goes well.


good luck christine~

9:28am: I wish it would rain......
The days seem to be going by so much more slower than before. A lot has happened and I am sure that's why. Trav ended up getting a job at KOFAX. I am very very proud of him and I think he will do really well there. He seems to be pretty happy about himself, which is good. The only thing that sucks about is he has to get up really ealy in the morning in order to avoid horrible rush hour traffic, but he can leave earlier which is better.
So today I thought since he was getting up early he would be able to come home earlier... well he cant because he has a meeting at 3, so he wont be able to leave til like 4ish or so and he'll be in traffic for hours.... BLAH. ok so this is where i need a life. I love the feeling of alone time, but i dont want all day of it. Or maybe I do? I dont even know. I cant even really go to the gym because I fell down the stairs...... I dont exactly want to stay at home all day and watch tv, and I dont want to stay at home all day and clean either. What should I do? See this is where I need some cool people, so I can chill with them. But lately Adam has been sort of distant... he's going through a "break" with his gf, and well no one else here is cool.............


well anyway im lame, and i'll figure somehting out. I just want to be happier. I dont know what else I need to be happier. I have everything I wanted. I think my classes are a major part of my unhappiness though. They are so boring, and they are so difficult.
I have to go get ready to sit through them now.. yay fun. At least I only have two. I can't wait until this semester is over! 3 more months!!!!!!!

10:28am: a million little pieces.. that i wil never be able to put back together again
So how are things? things are C R A ZY!!

first off the weather in fullerton is deadly. I am literally going to be broke after I pay this months electricity bill because I have had my A/C on 24/7 nonstop... it's ridiculous. It doesnt even make me want to eat, go outside, and i am not motivated to do anything at all. I wish it would cool down at least to the 80's im sick of the 100's and the high 90's lord i cant live here anymore.

Second I am really thinking about transferring... i just dont know where. At first I was thinking of UGA, but after some thought and visiting the campus I realized I think I wouldn't be as happy as I think I will be. It's way too far away from atlanta, and there isnt much to do around there. Yea I have more friends and such, but I dont even know what Kelly's plans are and I dont get the feeling that she is going to transfer there either. I think she's going to end up staying in Virginia... and thats another thought what the east coast? I mean im trying to open up my options. I love Georgia, but Travis has lived there his whole life and he is sick of it. It gets way too hot in the summer, and well there isn't much to do except work, or go shopping... North Carolina is kind of the same way. Sure I have family there, it's prettier, does have beaches, but the weather is the same issue. What I need in order to be happy is good weather. I am not satisfied with Fullerton because the weather sucks here. Im just not the heat loving kind of gal. Im a norcal girl,
my homefront. My brother is completely out of control and my mom is so denial. My dad doesn't really care because he has his wife, and his business to think about, and well im left dealing with everyone's bullshit. No wonder im so stressed.. right? ughhh so my brother managed to pick up smoking cigarettes (ew?) and has gotten used to having a few beers, and getting into the party/drunk scene. It makes me sad. I know he does it to fit in and feel accepted, because he is so insecure, but it's just depressing. He keeps getting into shit and im just worried one day he is going to get fucked over. I can't stop him, i can't even protect him anymore.. all i can do is sit and watch and listen and cry. it makes me miserable. Plus my mom feels helpless as well. She doesn't do anything about it because she doens't want to lose "the connection" and then she bitches at me whenever i try to step in and play mom because she isnt good at all.

yet this all comes down to one thing.... ME.

It's my choice that I let this fall upon me. It's my choice that I let it bother me. And it's my choice that I choose to be upset by it. I just feel like giving up, and just letting things happen and not caring. Maybe I should just not give a shit anymore about school, about life, about trying to meet new people, about anything for that matter. I don't feel like anything I do changes anything, or makes anything better. Im still left unsatisfied and all I do is take it out on Travis and cry myself to sleep every night. I let people walk all over me because im nice. I dont stand up for myself because I think of others first.

Im just soo... fucking... tired...

Im going to put all of this in a little ball and watch it explode into a milion little pieces, and then maybe some day when I have a sense of security that I really honestly truly feel like I can stick to, I can start to put them back together one by one... but seriously that will take a lifetime.

none will match, and some might get lost in the process..

the point is at least i will try.


ughh... well until then im going to keep moving on and keep going with what im good at.

..... living

8:57am: Living Together!!!
Travis and I now live together. We have waited so long for this day and now it is finally here! I am soooo excited!! We still have lots of work to do to this apartment, and lots of unloading but so far it is beginning to look really good.

so our cross country drive was very fast and interesting. Who knew we could make it in three days???? it was crazy! we drove 13 hours the first two days and then made it to my apartment the third. I was sooo exhuasted, but it was fun. His jeep made it through the whole trip without one problem.

last week we spent it with my family up in san francisco and it was so much fun, and really relaxing. We drove back to LA on friday, and spending this weekend to get setteled.

I start school tomorrow, and I am NOT looking forward to it. I guess maybe because I dont have any classes with my closest friend, and my other friend completley disappred into nowhere.. so basically I feel like a freshman again and have to start over. Ugh.... at least i got trav.
it would have definitely sucked if i didn't have him. plus he's going to drive me to school, the first week so i wont have to deal with crappy parking stress. ahhh i love him to death.

we may also get a new kitty kitty!!! we're going to meet this lady that puts cats for adoptions today at 12, and see if it will work out. we wanted to get a new cat for so long, but with trav and i leaving all the time to go to GA and back we didnt think it could work. now that we are pretty stable we think we could do it, plus we think it will make ninja happier. im still a little hesistant just with the fact that i am now starting a full load of school, trav hasnt gotten a job yet, and i want to be able to travel... but we'll just have to see.

well trav is sleeping right now and i think im going to get some breakfast and start getting ready for today.

it's my last day of summer..... crazy how fast it went.


wish me luck. this is going to be a good semester. i hope.

12:55pm: Ready for a Vaca? Hell ya!
In about an hour Trav and I will be packing up his jeep and heading down to Orlando Florida for three days. Maybe even 4 if we get that attached! :)
I am SOOO FREAKING EXCITED. I have needed this vacation since forever and I cannot wait! All we're going to do is relax relax and fun fun!! OOOOHHHHH we are staying at the Renaissance in Orlando near sea world... and it's supposed to be a beautiful luxury hotel! ahhhh!!!!
So far all we want to do is lay out by the pool and tan, and go to Islands of Adventure at universal and either universal or walt disney world....
Too bad tomorrow I have to get up at 7am and register for stupid classes! :( i really hope i get what i want and then i dont have to worry and stress about it anymore. thank god.

besides the vaca in an hour i am going to hop in the shower and try to fix my lips. they are either wind burnt or sun burnt but they hurt like hell and i can barely eat and drink.... let alone live.
Ughhhh it sucks cause I want to be able to be out in the sun and not worry but im not sure if im going to be able to.


im starving and really needing a shower but i just wanted to give a quick update on what was happening. SOOOO EXCITED. I am going to take MUCHO pics!!!

BYE BYE!

11:12pm: im finally now in GA!

this week has been amazing and I am soo happy that I now will be with Travis forever and ever! I worked my ass off the last couple of weeks and made about 1000 dollars or more, so I am more than ready for a vacation and break.
Tomorrow Travis and I, and maybe his sister, will go up to UGA and take a tour and talk about transferring... then i'll prob stop by brittanys new house and say hi.
Going to be in Dacula for most of the weekend and then back to ATL this week.

We are leaving for Orlando next thursday and will return on sunday.

It's late and I have a big day tomorrow so I must go get some rest.


See ya

12:16am: burnt out...
k so..... im tired... and im f'ing sick of working, and taking my summer class!

my jetta is gone and i am soooooooo depressed about it. We sold it to the dealership for 1500 and well... i miss it like crazy. Tomrrow I get to say goodbye, but it won't be the same.

thank the lord tomorrow is friday and all i have to do is sleep in, go to the gym, turn in my project via internet, read, and PICK UP MY BRAND NEW CAR!!!!!!!!!


Ok.. well after working my brains out all week i think i deserve a well rested weekend and hopefully lots of sun! :-)

only 3 more weeks!!



sweet dreams

11:14pm: new beginnings~
I still don't feel like I am on break. I come home from college and after such a hard semester we have to pack up all our things and move.
Well we did it.

We moved. A week ago from today. How strange is it to say that.

I no longer live in old mill valley anymore... I live in San Rafael, and I like it a lot better than I thought I would. It was really nice to get out of there and start fresh here. The house we are renting is very sweet and very perfect for us. I miss the garden, I miss the pool, I miss the street, I miss the hikes, I miss the hot tub, and I miss the feelings....
It's not bad here though. It's different, but it feels right.I remember standing in my empty room a week ago from today and thinking.... wow.... so many memories.....
I can't believe how much has happened in that house. It was a great house and it will be missed deeply.

Life goes on though... and that's okay.

In other news:
I've been babysitting TONS and it's soooooooooo good to be back with Francesca and Jakey, whom I have missed so much! They have gotten so much older and every time I am with them I have the best time. I have enjoyed every minute being with them even if it is last minute, or I am exhuasted. They make it all worth it. They really do.

I also started working for The Hoffman Institute which is a company that my dad and mom used to work for and took part in. The owners are family friends and it's a really great process that helps people. I started last week and I do database stuff which is totally fine with me. The time goes by really fast and I like the atmosphere of working in an office and taking my own time and everything. It's different and I like it a lot.

Not only am I working, but I am taking an online class for summer, which is almost over..... thank god.... i wanted to get 3 more units out of the way. I thought taking health 101 would be perfect. it's not a breeze, but it's definitely interesting and i am learning a bunch. I got an amazing second semester grade report though and I am so fucking proud of myself.
A- History
A English
B Psych (hell yea)
A Sociology
credit in math (it doesnt count because i am in remedial)
Overall I got a 3.45 wooooooooo!!

at this moment, I have an A in Health.. only one more project, discussion, and two more exams and then i'll be done and FINALLY able to chill. In three weeks from now I will be in the arms of my fiance and we will be together FOREVER. I am so excited and I cannot wait to see him. It's been really hard these last few weeks without him, and although I have been able to get a lot of work done... it's not the same. I miss him a lot.

I also may be getting a new car. My mom wants to get me one because she thinks my jetta is getting to be retired and wants to start me fresh. She also wants me to have a part in what she sold for our 2 million dollar house...

OK....I am so exhausted. I have been up since 3:45am because I took my godfather to the airport for a 6am flight... go me.
This has been a long and probably weird entry but i am sleep deprived, so thats what you get. Probably wont update for a while... but by then hopefully all be settling down.

~sweet dreams

11:12am: i'm not ready to let go...
I'm exhuasted.
I have been home for a week now and things are OK. Just OK. Driving home was a nightmare. Everything was going fine until my cat peed and threw up when we only had an hour left to go. That was horrible. I couldn't do anything for him because I didnt want to stop, and all I wanted to do was get home. Plus I hadnt eaten anything all day except for a breakfast bar, so I was starving. After making it home everything was fine. I of course was exhuasted from the 7 hour drive, but was happy to be back with my family and home.

The weekend was slow. Saturday I drove up to see Mike whom I hadnt seen in two years.. since he was last in my band... and it was good. He's still the same. Still smoking, still not really motivated, still kinda fucked up, but he was nice to me and it was good to catch up. We played Suicide briefly and I heard some of his new songs he has written but other than that we had nothing else to really do or talk about. I'm glad I saw him though.

Sunday we went to a birthday party for our friends 1 year old daughter. One of my old teachers from middle school was there (i barely recognized him) and we caught up. He used to play piano for all the school musicals and helped teach music so he of course remembered me because I was always into that. He was telling me that they were putting on an alumni show for this Friday and he wanted me to be in it. (TOTALLY LAST MINUTE) I was kinda excited about it though. I mean i am only singing one song, but still i havent performed in about a year and it would be nice to go out there and do something again. I miss it. A lot.
So we decided to do Open Arms by Journey which is one of my all time favorite songs and I am going to be singing that this Friday night. Cool.

The rest of the week has been going interesting. I have caught up with some random people that I havent talked to in soooooo long... like mike, my piano teacher, annie (who was my best best friend in high school) things just are weird right now. It's a good weird though. I don't know if its because we're moving and I am trying to find my security in life. But I dont quite feel like I have it yet. I will soon.. but things are really shaky and unstable right now and all I am trying to do is not fall down.

There is a red robin outside my window and she's talking to me... almost trying to tell him that things will be ok. She stood there for a minute and just had her mouth moving... like she was talking... if only I could tell what she was really saying.

My brother has been a stress case for me since I have been home as well. He is sneaking around and getting himself into things that I dont want to know about... but it freaks me out. I know I should let him have his life and not worry, but I am worried. Plus it doesn't help that he has been rude and mean to me... It hurts.

I haven't been sleeping well either. Everything sucks right now.

I am going to see my singing teacher whom I truly havent seen in a year and that will be nice. I am really looking forward to that and getting my voice back in shape. Then I get to see my lovely catherine who will listen to me and make me feel a lot better.

Been keeping up my workout regime too, which I am proud of. I worked out sunday monday and tuesday... but didnt do anything today or yesterday... thats okay tho i just need to do it tomorrow and saturday and it'll be fine. I feel really good and I am starting to re- love my body again. I am proud of myself.. and I just dont even bother to look on the scale anymore. I feel good when I can look good in my clothes, and energized... and everything. I have never worked out this much in my life and I am so proud. I have defintely made it apart of my lifestyle.. and even though there are days like today and yesterday where I just feel exhuasted, and not in the mood I know I will jump back tomorrow and be full of life again and ready to go.

My mom is also going to get me a new car. WOW! She wants to get me a new japanese car.. one that will last for a while, is safe, and has good gas mileage. I really wanted a mustang but she said she might help me get one once i graduate college. Sooo if I am still wanting one by then, then AWESOME! I love my JETTA though.. and it has been such an amazing car for me. It's been my baby, and I dont want to give it up. Yes it's falling apart, but the engine is still good as new, and it's just such a sweetie. The only cars tha sort of interest me are acura integras, or honda accords.... i dont know though im going to have to take a look. But a frickin new car????!!! DAMN!

all right well.... it's been a long update, but hopefully things will soon be looking up. I have Travis coming out to see me on Tuesday night for a week, and that will be good. I miss him so much and I really need him right now. Especially before the big move.
I'll update soon... but for now take care.

::kisses::
C


oh and i got a haircut :)

2:30pm: so yesterday...
ok people i am ALMOST done with my first year of college!!! One more final to take and then I am on my way back up to nor cal! wooooooooo!!! I took my psych exam today and i think i did pretty well... i guessed on maybe 5 and didnt know about 2 or 3 sooo i feel good about it.Ahhh I wish there was a way to know how well you did right away... oh well frickin june 1st. Not too bad.
After that I treated myself to Old Navy where I picked up two new skirts, some capris, halter, and other shirt.. oh plus a really cute jacket. Anyway the total was 145. God damn.. I charged it to my mom and I am "hoping' she will split the cost with me since i'm broke and i think i deserve a little something for completing college successfully you know? plus it's almost summer and i needed new summer clothes. wow i sound so selfish... grrr anyway we're selling our house, im done with school, im going to be working my butt off for the next 6 weeks, plus i've lost weight so come on i think paying 70 bucks isnt that much.
i have two set babysitting dates lined up for when i get home so i will def make at least 100 there, then my mom's friend has some work for me.. so i could be making 300 there... then my dad wants me to help him with his work since he'll be behind after being in europe for two weeks. My mom even said she would pay me to do some stuff for her as well. Yes I am going to be working many ODD jobs this summer, but at least I know I will be making something. Gotta pay for the trip to Orlando with Travis... then I gotta help pay for our drive cross county from GA to CA, and then i gotta have some spending money for georgia when i am there for a while... plus i am going to want to have some left over for when i come back to LA.
Anyway stressing out a little bit, but i know things will all turn out okay and everything is going to be fine.

I just got out of the shower and I feel sooooooo good. I have a lot to get done today, and I cant believe I am driving home tomorrow! I went to the gym for the last time today here in orange county, changed my membership so i can work out at home, and then burned 480 calories.. wow go me.
Picked up a chipotle burrito for my last time too because they dont have any close to where i live.. so i am savoruing that. Now.. im going to finish getting ready, packing, cleaning, and studying for my math final tomorrow.. After all that it's time for AMERICAN IDOL!
The two hour finale is tonight and I voted hardcore last night for Taylor Hicks. I hope he gets it. Oh man that would just make this day ten times better than it already is. ok darlings well hope all your days are going good. It's a beautiful day here... wish I could be outside tanning.. but I will be doing lots of that when I get back.

::KISSES:::

C

9:41pm: hanging by a moment here with you
I am officially done with sociology, english, and FUCKING HISTORY!!! woot!! yea! it's awesome and I cant wait until this Thurs when my first year of college will be all done done done and i can enjoy summer.... welll enjoy summer for like a week until i start my summer session. At least i am only taking one class and it's online, so i dont have to go to class and that why it'll still keep me a little busy so i dont get too relaxed. It's only til 6 weeks and then when thats done i'll be flying off to GEORGIA to seemy hunny and friends. That rocks!
I'm also looking forward to getting back home being with the family (well sort of) catching up with friends from high school who I actually want to see, and working because I am soooo broke and I have so much money to save for this summer.
It's been a hard, but good year here at Fullerton. I am really happy that I was able to pass all my classes, and do extremely well and not slack off. I am very very proud. Now if only I can get my hands on that dream mustang I want... grrr oh well. The day will come eventually.

Trav and I just finished watching The Negotiator and I had forgotten how good of a movie it is... I havent seen it in a few years and wow it's soooo good. Love that movie. Kevin Spacey is awesome!

I've been working my butt off at the gym for the past two weeks. I feel a lot better. I am definitely not be healthy, but it's okay. I've been burning 400 calories a day, plus doing 20 mins of strength training.. overall been working out an hour a day, and i feel really good. I havent been eating as well though... just a few things here and there, i am little worried, but i think once i get home my eating habits will get a little easier. It's been hard living on my own and trying to think of foods to eat and what is good for me. I know it doesnt seem hard, but trust me it is........ agh.

Really really nervous about the american idol part one finale tomorrow. It is going to be a tough show and I really hope Taylor pulls an amazing show. Lord... I hope he wins, and he gets to be the next american idol. Seriously if Katharine steals it away from it like she did from Chris I am going to be one bitchy cookie in the next week.... oh man. Wednesday period is going to be a very stressful, anxious, and nervewrecking day for me. I really better have some like goodies lying around because man you do NOT want to get in my way..... anyway


so thats the update for now. Once I get through the next days i'll be sure to let this journal know how everything turned out. Finals will hopefully go smoothly and all things will come around.

Goodnight!

8:02pm: yeah so.. i thought so cal was supposed to be sunny?
for the past weeks it has been nothing but overcast skies here in southern california... not only that, but it makes it even hotter and humid! it's supposedly really hot back home, so i am looking forward to actually getting some real sun and laying in my pool tanning for the next few weeks until we move!
tomorrow is my last day of classes! woot! i am so excited! all i gotta do now is study hard for my 3 finals.. they shouldn't be that bad though.
Adam's birthday is today and i took him out to chiles last night... he and i have been with each other nonstop today. We've been studying, talkin, im'ing.. it's been fun. We ordered a pizza about two hours ago and it still hasnt shown up...tards.

i'm coming back to the bay a week from today and i am soooooo excited. i cannot wait to be back home and with my family.
im glad i dont have much due tomorrow... i just have to go to english and finish my in class essay on the shawshank redemption and then go to psychology and take notes for the last time.

This weekend is going to be so busy filled with working out, studying, sleeping, talking to my hunny, packing, and cleaning my whole apartment. I was going to start some of that process today but didnt really get much of it done. I'm having fun though and that's all that matters.

Waking up this morning was extremely hard. I'm sure it's do to having so much caffeine in the last few days and I am just now feeling the after effects. DAMN.... i've been going to the gym every day too, and having really really intense workouts. Today was my first day off but I am glad I had it because I definitely needed the rest.

Well.... i'm going to get going, but i'll update again this weekend!

buh bye~

11:48am: you're beautiful... it's true
I have been so busy over the last few weeks and it has been loads of fun, but now is the week that I actually have to get stuff done and work. Travis was with me for 3 weeks and we had so much fun together. We saw American Idol, we checked out an amazing museum exhibit called ashes and snow, had lots of great dinners, went to the movies, traveled, and played lots of games. I dropped him off at LAX yesterday, and today is my first official day of being alone in 3 weeks... and it feels weird.
It is nice to have someone around, but it's also nice to have mini breaks every so often to just be with yourself and relax.

I went to GA a week ago and that was much fun as well. I got to see Brittany whom I havent seen in years and it was soooo much fun to catch up with her and hang out. She was going through a really difficult breakup so I am glad to have been able to be there for her and support.
Seeing Kelly was also so much fun. Yes Bryan was a disaster and annoying and stupid to her as usual, but she and I tried on lots of wedding dresses on the last day and we had sooooo much fun and took so many pictures! I'm going to see her again in July but I love spending time with her.

I CANT BELIEVE CHRIS GOT KICKED OFF AMERICAN IDOL!!! I FRICKIN HATE THAT KATHERINE MCPHEE... UGHHHH SHE SO DOESNT DESERVE TO BE ON THERE, AND I AM SO PISSED ABOUT IT.

anyway in other news this is the last week of classes for me and that includes the last day of history is wednesday! i hate that class and i am so thankful that the class is over.
im watching e news now so i am a little distracted.
im going to be hitting the gym in a little bit, i am just trying to let my stomach digest this fat chipotle burrito i just ate. I was planning on saving half for later, but was really hungry so i finished it all.

I am actually feeling somewhat sorry for Britney Spears. I miss her. I can't believe she's with Kevin and having another baby with him. She's changed so much since being with him and after watching an E special with the two of them, I just wish she would leave him already. Notice the occurent E news theme here? sorry...

all right well my hunny has been calling me and leavin me some messages so i am going to go check them, and then go off to the gym.

I cant believe my first year of college is almost done!
Have a great week~

7:22am: soo kiss me and smile at me tell me that you'll wait for me.. hold me like you'll never let me go
Travis and I returned to LA saturday morning from GA, and were extremely exhuasted!! I had such a wonderful trip and so much to share about, but I need to get going to school. I will update a big one later so stay tuned.
As for today,it's me and Trav's 8 month anniversry, and I have to be in school from 8-11... damn. Not sure what we're going to do today. My apartment is a mess, and we may go see another movie, but we are going to the gym for sure. This will be interesting because I haven't been to the gym in two weeks now and so not only do i feel like a cow, but i'm going to be so out of shape and struggle through my workout which SUCKS.
Anyway... will be back later to write more.

Have a good morning!

10:30am: Amazing=My Life
Last week was wonderful.

School hasn't been so wonderful. Due to the fact that it's almost May and I have 3 weeks left until it's over I am definitely slacking and falling behind. NOT GOOD!
I have a psych test tomorrow and I am very annoyed with this class. I love it and I love the teacher, plus its my major but I can never seem to score higher than a D or C on the exams. I got an A on the project, but thats it. I haven't been devoting all my time to studying either which isn't good. I've gone to class every day for the last couple of weeks, but missed twice which is better than before. I just have to review some of the flashcards I made and read. There is so much material in this class it's crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank god i dont have english tomorrow morning.. i can get like 20 more minutes of sleep. or maybe more.. i might have Travis drop me off. Ohhh good idea.

Well... in other news this last week has been beautiful!Travis came out to see me two weeks ago and he has been here ever since. He was supposed to go back on Wednesday but I convinced him to stay until this Tuesday so we could go back to GA together, and he did!

Tueasday was the best day of my life. After class Trav and I drove into LA to see the dress rehearsal of American Idol. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep I know you're jealous. We had AMAZING seats and could see everyone! I saw Paula Abdoul, she is sooooo tiny in person, but goregous, and Miklah Gordan from last season ewwww hate her. I also saw a glimpse of Mandisa behind stage who was doing interviews. Then Ryan Seacrest came out and omg he is soooooo adorable. I was an inch away from him and almost went up to give him a hug but I didnt want to get bitched at. He's such a cutie. Then all the idols came out! Taylor Hicks saw me scream and spazz out and he gave me the thumbs up, woot woot! anyway it was such an amazing experience, one that I will remember for the rest of my life. My week's excitment wasn't even over yet....
Wednesday night, Trav and I drove to LA to see my friend Christine Anderson perform at a nighclub, and she was AMAZING. soooo good. I havent seen her in a year so it was awesome to see her. We also got to see two other artists perform which was fun. I love seeing live music shows and underground talent. It's the best, and it's sooo LA. god i love it here.

I was having the time of my life this week that I somehow managed to forget about doing my essay for english... AH! The rough draft was due on Friday and I had completely spaced out. I felt like such a goob sitting there while she was explaining it because I didnt do crap. That has never happened to me before either... Plus I missed all last week of history (i hate that class) I only have it two days so it's not like it was every day but still... VERY BAD. Im sure we have some sort of essay due tomorrow, but i'll figure it out when I come. I'm going to be missing class tues-fri so I need to start getting some crap done.

Today will be a very busy day though, but thats a good thing. Trav and I are going to clean up my apartment, do laundry, and then study study study!!
Im so broke, so he is. I got two overdraft fees for the first time and that majorly sucks. Mom=pissed. I am glad I told her though because she would have been even more pissed if I hadnt and she found out on her own from reading the letter they sent.
Trav, Adam and I saw an Angels game on Friday. It was freezing, but it was fun. They played the White Sox and lost..... BOO, but it was a good game. I totally lost my voice.

Well im going to go start my day! Hopefully i'll give an update tomorrow before I leave for Georgia. I am sooo excited. I cannot wait to see my Kell-Kell. I watched Practical Magic last night and it made me think of her.... that movie is so us. Okay, Curtis--- OUT!

P.S
I think have a major crush on Ryan Seacrest. Travis is convinced.

7:40am: lifes a bunch of drama... and i'll get to it later
I feel like crap ever since I woke up.... my thorat is killling me! Im not sure if it's because I havent been getting a lot of sleep and i've been travelling with sick people, but I feel kind of icky. My body actually feels great. I had an awesome workout yesterday at the gym and I know its not possible, but I do feel like I fit better in my clothes overall. Thats good news since I think I am going to take a break from the gym today because I am not feeling well and go tomorrow before my boy comes.

UGH! I have to go to class now because it is almost 8.. but im coming back to write another post later because I have a lot of things to get down and out of my mind. Hopefully I'll be able to after getting through english, psychology and horrible history class that im going to die in someday i swear...

Well until then, have a nice morning.

It's a beautiful day, part 2! :)

9:44am: Another Day
I'm about to head to the gym in a bit but wanted to catch up and write for a while beforehand. I went back to San Francisco for the weekend to celebrate Easter with my family and it was very nice. I am so glad that it's now this week because I have been waiting soo long for it to happen. So much is going to happen in the next few weeks and it's going to all go extremeley fast I won't even know what hit me!
Thursday: I finally get to see Travis after not seeing him for 3 weeks!! It's been so long, but I can't wait! He is going to stay until the 26th which is awesome!
May 2nd- I am leaving at the crack of dawn for Georgia to go see Travis again and my Kelly!! I am very excited about that and I will be there until the 6th. I dont have to be sad though when I leave because Travis is going to come back with me to LA and stay with me for another week.
My mom and brother might come out here for mother's day but I am not sure about that...
Then only a week and a half and I am done with finals and my first semester at fullerton! woah! fast! huh? crazy.. i cant believe it. it's all soo exciting though! ah! i cant wait.

I've been working my ass off at the gym yet I still cant seem to lose the 10lbs i want to lose. It was soo easy to lose weight last year because i was working out 4 times a week with a trainer and wasnt eating as much junk and i had an ultimate goal that i stuck to. Then with christmas, new years, travelling, and being back and forth between home and here my workout schedule has been all messed up. I try to go at least 3 times if not 4 a week and thats good, and when im there i do cardio and strength training but im only able to keep up with how much i eat in a day.. i cant seem to burn any more then i already eat and thats just so frusturating. It sucks cause I want to look hot in my bathing suit this summer and although i dont look horrible i know i could get my body into a more fitter shape. I hope I can get there by the end of school. Thats my new goal. I think I am addicted to health though. Im so obsessed with eating the right foods and working out a certain amount that I am beginning to turn into a crazy workaholic.... blah..... i just am afraid of never being satisfied.

I have so much crap to do today too. I have english, history, psych, and sociology all to do. I want to get as much done as possible before Thursday because I dont want to have to stress or worry about shit this weekend when Trav is here.

It's a beautiful day too.... the weather is perfect right now and I hope it stays like this. It's not unbearably hot and it's not freezing... it's soo warm and perfect.

Ok well going to go run my ass off! have a nice day!

11:02am: my loneliness aint killing me no more, i'm stronger
This past week I have felt so lonely and depressed. I'm not quite sure why.. I mean I have been alone many times before and for some reason this week was the hardest. It might have been because I had just spent two weeks with Travis and my family.... but overall it ended on a good note.

Friday I went with Adam to the first Angels vs Yankees game at angels stadium. It was so awesome. We had awesome seats and go to see a fireworks show, Lisa Tucker (from American Idol) performed the national anthem, and it was just overall an awesome game. After that he and I went to Hooters and ate. I got home feeling very exhuasted and pretty much passed out.

Saturday I woke up late, went to the gym and felt a ton better, got home and managed to get done with tons of homework. I was really proud of myself. I did my whole sociology discussion due on monday, and i studied for two chapters of psych which i feel good about. After that I watched two movies with my hunny on the phone and then went to sleep. I wish I could have more productive days like that. It was very nice. Plus it was a beautiful Saturday. The weather was perfect.

Now I am just taking my time to wake up and realize that I have a lot of stuff to do today but I am going to try to not let it stress me out. I have to:
1) finish studying psychology (2 more chaps)
2) clean my apt.. it's such a fucking mess and just keeps getting worse!
3) do my laundry and change my sheets.... major thing that has get done today!
4) finish my english essay and prepare for tomorrow
5) need to talk to Kelly
6) get to bed early!

Not too much stuff to get done, but they are all going to take some time. Well I should be off doing some of that now.... well hope everyone has a good sunday!

"sing like you think no one's listening"

10:42pm: all good things must come to an end :-(
I'm leaving tomorrow. I ended up staying an extra day because it stormed all day and and I didn't want to get stuck driving in it. Hopefully it won't be too bad tomorrow, really hope so. I am going to be so sad. I hate leaving so much... especially when I have no one to drive with. I am going to miss my mom so much. I had such a good time back at home. It rained pretty much all week, but it was fine. Everything was great, and it was the perfect week to relax and not have to worry about *anything*. I didn't get shit done homework wise so there was no point in bringing all my school stuff, but I did manage to begin my essay for english. It turned out to be a lot harder than I was expecting but I have almost 3 full pages and the rough draft is only due on Monday.. no big. Gotta do psychology and sociology on Sunday though for sure..... blah
The only only good thing about tomorrow is that I get to see my little baby!!! I haven't seen my Ninja in a week and two days and I miss him like crazy! I'm going to drive straight to petsmart and pick him up asap! Got to hug that little boy as soon as I can!

I still am in shock that we're selling our house. The official sign went up today and it made me cry. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I know that it's "the right thing" and everything, but change is so hard. I have lived in this house for the 19 years that I have been alive and to think that in less than 4 months I will be living somewhere else freaks the shit out of me. I guess it's somewhat easier since I already sort of moved out for college and have my own apartment, but I have always had this house to come home to and to count on. I always knew this day would come, but not this fast, and not this hard. Everything seems to be changing at this point in my life and it's a good thing, but it scares me. I know that I'm ready but maybe I dont exactly want to be. I just want to curl up and be held by my mom and not have to think about living on my own, or getting a job. I can't even really get excited about this summer because I don't even really know what I am going to do besides come home, go to Georgia and then drive cross-country back to California..... I mean I dont want to babysit all summer like last year just because I think i'm done with it. It's great money and great flexibility, but I am seeking something more like secretary work, or office work, even maybe retail... there's something about working with other people and with clothes or something that I want to try. Haven't done anything like it before and I think it might be good for me. I want to meet new people and I haven't met anyone really at school.. Sure I had my two good friends danielle and adam, but danielle turned out to be a dramatic case of hell and stress... and well adam is adorable and great, but he's not a girl and he's not someone I can have sleep over and not be weird. He's the one I can go to the movies with, call when im bored, or have dinner with.... thats all... I love him, but Im seeking some new friends... not a lot, but just people I can count on, trust, and simply have fun with. Thats all.

To be honest I really dont even think I have time for a social life right now.. just with all the emotional stress and such I am going through. I mean.. I'm quitting my babysitting job this week to allow more time for studying and such since I really want to move my psych grade from a C to a B or A. I dont even honestly know what I have but I have gotten C's on the last two exams... Plus I want to continue working out on a daily basis which was hard when I had my job because it took chunks of time out of my schedule. I also want to be able to explore LA, and Orange County more. I want to be able to go to the beach and relax, or find some nice trails or something where I can be in nature more. It's so beautiful and relaxing and I need to bring more of that into my lifestyle. Just with all the stuff I am currently going through my body is filled with tension and it gives me horrible headaches constantly, aching muscles and makes me grind my teeth... AH! So yeah the only real time I have to be with people is like once on the weekend or so.. I need my space, and I love my individual time. Organization is very hard.

Well this was supposed to be a simple entry but turned out to be longer than expected. I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind due to the upcoming changes that are happening to me. I was able to talk to Kelly for a while this evening and that really made me happy. Every time I talk to her I remember how lucky I am to have such a good friend that I can depend on, laugh with, and actually "talk to" I am not afraid to tell her anything and I never feel like I have to hold back. Our relationship is equal and I love that. It's rare. I would rather have my relationship with her, than have 10 other relationships with people that didn't even really get me. Having at least that one girlfriend in my life that has been with me since the beginning is all I need to hold on and keep going.

I'm not quite sure when I will be able to see Travey next. He and I are both incredibly broke and I am trying to save up for our trip to Hawaii and this summer, so I cant exactly splurge at the moment. I have plans to come out to Georgia at the beginning of May so I will for sure see him then, but as of right now I dont know if I will get to see him sooner.... ::::::sigh:::::::: I miss him so much, and its so hard to be so far apart from the one thing that keeps you feeling like you're alive and beautiful. It's going to be hard to drive 7 hours tomorrow without him sitting next to me, holding my hand, and keeping me company even if I just bitch about driving anyway.... it still makes me sad. I think i'm going to stop at quizznos for lunch and get what he gets just so i feel like he's there with me.

Gabby (my doggie) is sleeping right next to me on my bed.. it's the last time im going to see her for two weeks. Im coming home for the weekend of Easter. That will be nice.

Only two weeks of complete and utter loneliness in los angeles...... thank goodness I have my kitty, or else I would seriously be writing way too many of these depressing and emo journals. But hey you gotta write a few of them once in a while.

Well... until then, wish you all well and sweet dreams.

~goodnight

3:56pm: it always goes by too fast
The last week and a half have been the best times ever! Travis came to visit me in Los Angeles for a week for his spring break and we had tons of fun hanging out in orange county, and then driving into LA, watching movies, going out to dinner, and being together. We even got to catch the arrivals of the Ice Age 2 Premiere in downtown LA. That was awesome. We saw Ray Romano, Queen Latiffah, John Lizguazmo, Jane Seymore, and others but are naming those.. it was so cool. I have never seen anything like that before so it was good LA experience.
I was planning on driving up to San Francisco for my spring break last Thursday so he came with me for a few days. We drove up on my moms birthday and took her out to dinner when we got back. It was soo nice to be home but my house looks so different because we're putting it up on the market in a week so we have all this fake staging stuff everywhere which makes it look very modern and unique. It's weird, but nice.
Friday, Trav and I hung out with my brother and saw "Stay Alive" which was a good movie and then he and I went out to dinner in the city at a very nice resturant called the Tonga Room at the Fairamont Hotel in San Francisco. Soooooooooo beautiful and sooo romantic. I will remember that moment forever :-)
Saturday morning we woke up and picked up his mom who came all the way out to California for our engagement party! So sweet of her to do that and she had never been to California before so we took her all around San Francisco and I showed her as much as I could that I thought would be fun and touristy.
Sunday Trav and I went for a hike with my dog up near my house and that was really nice. It was so fresh, beautiful and green everywhere. I just loved it and I was really craving some exercise since I hadnt done anything in a few days... need to keep up my regime because im sort of falling behind due to all the stuff thats been going on! psh!
Later that afternoon my parents threw an engagement party for Travis and I and invited all their close friends and family which was soo sweet of them. I had such an amazing time and it was so neat to see all my family meet Travis and his mom because they both mean so much to me. It was so surreal to be standing there and realizing that we were engaged and everyone came to wish us the best and good luck. We even got presents! :-) Some people gave us cards and picture frames which was soooo sweet and cute! aw!
Today I had to say goodbye to my hunny.... and it was sad, but at least I had my mom with me and I dont have to go home alone to an apartment like usual... so thats nice. She and I did some errands on the way back and then I took a shower and started to write this entry while waiting for her to come home...
It's pouring down rain...... I love the rain, but right now it's just not helping my mood. Everything is so dreary right now, and I am sad. I hate that we're moving. I hate that Travis had to go. I hate that I feel so sick from everything I eat, and I just hate feeling so down and low.... I am supposed to be happy on spring break.... blah
got some homework to do too before I return because I know nothing is going to get done when im back in LA.....grrr

well i suck at making interesting journal entries sorry... just felt like updating about whats been occuring since i havent written in a while. I will have more thoughts coming soon since i'm home and will have more time on my hands to write and express.

In other news my aunt and her friend is here from north carolina and tomorrow night i am meeting them for dinner with my dad and step mom and we're going to a comedy night show. I have never been before so I am hoping that it's fun..
Tonight we're going to get some chinese (yum comfort food) and watch some movies and just all be together, me, my brother, and mom.. oh and of course GAB.
Ok out for now, bye bye

6:35pm: seriously... how far?
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

9:11pm: anxiety attack
I've had a rough rough week-- thank god it'll be almost over tomorrow. Friday is amazing. Not only is it the day I only have two classes, but it's the day I can stay up till whenever and sleep til whenever. I don't have to work. I don't have to do shit, but be a lazy ass. Ahhh that's comforting.
Seriously though I have had the most stressful and anxious week ever so far at college, and its not just school that has effected me, but work, and relationships. I had to call my therapist for a emergency phone session on wednesday because i had no one to help me out. wow.....

Basically to sum it all up: my mom is under so much stress due to selling our house which has made her totally unstable. She's always been the "stable" aspect in my life, so her being so stressed has made me completely freak out and off. Plus she hasnt been too supportive of any of my random ideas about school, my future, or this summer.... it just all ends in frusturation, and led us to avoid each other for a week. Then there's school... i love all my classes except for history because my teacher is an idiot and doesnt know shit about what the fuck he's talking about. I swear he comes into classes completely drugged up. I hate this class, but i need it for a credit so im struggling through it... it's the second only time in my life i wish i was on drugs while being in that class. I've been talkin to Kell a lot too, but she's been stressed due to her fiancee and soo I feel awful. I want to help her out so much, and I think I have but I see how much she is struggling and I love her dearly. I just wish she would feel better.... I hate when I can't help people... Work is killing me. I hate my job. I absolutely HATE it. I know it's my fault, but I just dont even know what I got myself into. I drive 20 mins to Irvine to babysit a 5 year old competitive boy and 3 year old whiney girl for 3 1/2 hours and get paid 12 an hour.... i take them to the park, i watch them play, but they always cry, whine, complain, fight, and scream. I swear these kids drive me crazy. I babysit a lot, and not once have been in a situation like this... not only that but when i end it's 5pm and i have to sit in an hour of traffic two days a week to get home (wednesday and thursday) so by the time i get home im too exhausted to do shit...and i barely have time. I more than convinced myself that I need to quit. I could use that time to study, work out, and just enjoy the singlel life before my hunny moves in with me. Not that im not excited about that, but this is going to be my last few months by myself in my apartment.... alone....
bleh.................. i could really use the money right now since im not planning to work that much this summer, but i'd rather be broke than work in a miserable environment. Why does everything have to be so painful and difficult right now? I hate this time in my life.. grrr im angry.
Hopefully next thursday everything will start turning out okay. I'll be done working, and i'll be picking up my hunny right about now....ah.. one more week.
I'm exhausted.

Well.. sorry to rant, but i needed to.. everything will turn out okay soon, just gotta get through the rough patches.
im a survivor.

7:42pm: Saying Goodbyes....
My fiancee left to return to Georgia last night :-( I miss him, but I get to see him in day a half again so I am just a lucky girl!
This week kinda sucks, but today was okay. It was really hard to wake up this morning, especially since it was raining, but I made it to my algebra class fine.
It stopped raining by the time I was done which sucked, but I went back home and cleaned up a little bit. Then my best best girl called me and we talked for a good while, and then I talked to my hunny. After that I lugged two weeks of dirty laundry to the laundry room, and waited around for all that to finish... thank god thats all done! Then I went to the gym and worked out.. almost crashed on the way there because of an idiot person... my poor tires screeched sooo loud, and left a mark. Blah... really annoyed me, but I got to the gym safely.
My mom has been a little stressed out due to selling our house, so I have been trying to help her out and keep her feeling okay.
Still have so much psych, and sociology to do so i'll be busy doing that all night and tomorrow... gotta work tomorrow :-(
Right now im watching FRIENDS, and it's the last episode :-( sooooooooo sad..... i miss that show a lot!!!

My week consists of:
Wednesday: english 8-8:50, psychology 9-9:50, history 10-11:15, break, work 1:30-5 and then HOME! finally
thursday: algebra 8:30-9:45, gym, break, work 1:30-5, picking up Trav at 8! :-)
fri-mon: being with my hunny and enjoying our time together :-)